It has been more than a month in London. I have gotten through half the term fretting that something may go wrong any second. I have almost reduced my steroid intake by 3mg gradually and increased the immunosuppressant dosage even further.
I never noticed how deeply NMO has affected me. The fear of my next attack keeps me from planning or being excited about opportunities that await me. I was never like this before and I fight this fear everyday hoping that I will stop feeling so apprehensive and nervous about the future.
I have an internship with a law firm that I always wanted to work at. Last year, I could not do any of the internships that I had secured because of how ill I was and because I was having an attack every third or fourth day without any proper diagnosis.
The fear of not being able to do this one continues to haunt me. It gets hard for me to believe that I will actually be doing it. I don't let my hopes go high because I know how one feels when they break over and over again. I know this feeling is not normal. I know it should go. I am struggling to find a means to not feel so nervous about the future.
I'm getting better everyday though. I feel more and more aware of the fact that, like anyone else, it is normal for me to plan and that it part of my nature. My fear diminishes everyday yet persists. The journey is long but the destination should not be too far away.